Demons

The last year has been hard....

An understatement I guess. Most people know that I'm getting medically discharged from the Navy.

It was unexpected, but it's out of my hands and I'm trying to accept it the best I can. 

The other day I had someone react to hearing about it and they kind of chuckled about it and said, 

"Really? You're getting kicked out because of headaches?" 

All I could think was, "If only you knew. You have absolutely no idea." 

So I kind of feel like letting people know wouldn't be a bad thing. So, no. I'm not getting discharged because of migraines. 

For those that don't know, I was recently diagnosed as a Severe Bi-Polar Type 1 with strong Anti-Social and Schizoid traits. It took months of tests and visits with both psychiatrists and psychologists to figure out what's been going on in my head. I'm not sure how I feel about the diagnosis. 

If I go up to any person and tell them, it makes me sound crazy. And maybe I am. I know that Bi-Polar runs in the family. To be honest, it's a lot more than what I originally thought it was. People think of someone who is bi-polar as being someone who's mood wavers and flops here and there. But to leave it at that, sells short the severity of what some people deal with. But I felt that's what it was... I mean, up until a while ago. Now that I'm "official" and I've reached out to others that suffer from it, I'm finding the description falls fairly well in line with my struggles. Some people have it at a fairly manageable level. Some don't. My doc says I'm more the latter. He says I'm around a 7-8 out of 10. 'Says it's a "severe case" and that I may struggle with this to a point where he expects I'll have trouble with work and relationships my whole life. Of course with a lifetime of medication/therapy. ---------

.....My Favorite....

So that's why I'm getting discharged. 

Sure the migraines make my life a living hell; making is hard to see and even stand sometimes, but it is not why i'm leaving. I've got some pretty big mental issues.

 I hate the way that sounds. I hate sounding like I'm defective. I mean; I accept it, but it is nonetheless a millstone around the neck in some of the dreams I had. I guess that's all I have to say. I just wanted to clear the air.

So that's all I've got to say I guess. Some people will judge regardless, but honesty doesn't need to be validated any more than by the person providing it.

I'm at peace with this. In light of the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

The White Astro Van

I was "encouraged" by one of my doctors to start investing my time into things that I used to love. He also said that I should try writing whats going on in my head to share with those around me so maybe they'll understand. I used to love writing.  So.... two birds with one stone. I don't know how helpful this will be, but I'm doing it. Merica.

Most of you that know me, know that I lived on the reservation for a while. And if you know me, but don't know that.... that's surprising: I talk about it all the time. Too much actually. It probably bugs people. Few can understand how my time up there molded much of who I am and helped me become a better person.

I wanted to share a story that I feel has been really helpful to me these last few years. You don't have to be religious to learn something from it, so don't stop reading just because it mentions prayer.

The summer of 2008 the northern part of the reservation got hit by the monsoon season pretty hard. My buddy Nate and I were driving our truck trying to meet a family we were teaching. Every road we typically used was washed out after a couple weeks of steady rain.

On the suggestion of some of the folks, we took a detour to avoid the lake-of-a-road, which took us through a rough route which at first seemed manageable. I was driving our truck; pushing deeper up through the brush. The further we pushed, the less it became "driving" but more of a barely controlled slide in the slick mud.

We started to get worried because we were seriously on the verge of getting stuck, and it wasn't our truck, but a truck owned by the church. As I was trying to manage the route; going one way to only see it washed out, going another to find it a dead end, I realized we were in trouble. The truck was barely moving and we were lost in what seemed to be a couple square miles of straight mud and water.

So as I was driving.... (scratch that,) barely managing to not get stuck, I said to Nate, "I think we should say a prayer"

And he did.

It was simple.

But it was enough.

Because quite literally, the second he said "Amen", over the hill about a far-see away you could see this little White Astro Van bounding over and rolling through the mud.

Nate and I looked at each other and said, "Well he looks like he knows where he's going" Let's face it. We didn't have much of an option.

We found a path to make it to the van and began to follow it. I'll never doubt the capabilities of an Astro Van again. That thing was pushing through drops and standing water where our truck was bottoming out and struggling. And it did it like a champ.

After rolls of hills and about an hour of driving we made it to a dry road and were able to escape the bog.

Nate and I joked about that for the remainder of our missions. I've told the story to several people. And defended a couple of Astro Van's when their practicality was in question.

But the funny story had a very serious meaning for me.

Often times in life we will head in a direction that we're sure is where we want to go. When in reality, VERY little of what happens to us in this life is predictable or desirable. In fact our plan never really sticks around, or is it rarely uninterrupted.

As we take our detour we might question it.

What am I doing here? How did I get here? Where am I going?

This is NOT what I want.

But if you take a moment to pray, ponder, meditate, (whatever you choose or whatever you do), you can see that all you have to do is push and not give up.

Keep trying.

It may not be a White 1997 Chevy AWD Astro Van that's going to lead you to the next chapter of life, but make sure that you're watching for whatever it is that's going to take you. Then, use that opportunity to move on. Push forward and fight.

With the impending medical discharge I'm facing. I'm here looking at that "lake-of-a-road" in my life. This isn't what I planned. What am I going to do for work? How am I going to support my family?

I haven't found my "Astro Van" yet, but I'm watching. And I'm not giving up. Even if i'm just managing to not get stuck.

I've never felt so unsure about my circumstances or what the future holds for me, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

There's peace in my chaos.